Wine Blogs Are the Attention-Barking of Lonely Poodles
Monday, May 10, 2010
Waiting for Gallo
Hello Hey What are you doing? I'm sleeping, what does it look like I'm doing? Playing with yourself Oh, that. I was just thinking about somebody Yeah? Who? My wife You're married to Oprah? Who are you? Who do I look like? Well, honestly, you kind of look like Ernest Gallo No, I look exactly like Ernest Gallo. Funny, huh?! So you're Ernest Gallo, in my bedroom, in the middle of the night Yeah, funny, right? Aren't you dead? I'm not dead. Ernest Gallo is dead. I just look like him, I'm not him Will you just leave me alone? Until you're finished with Oprah? I was just about to slip her one of Her Favorite Things The short version Hey OK, look, I just came here to tell you that they're all just fine Who? Who? Who? Fuck, you're stupid. John, your Mom, Josephine, Lucy Lucy was my dog Yes, I know. They're all fine They're all dead OK, I read your blog, I know you say nothing but stupid things, mostly for the attention, attention your favorite tiny thing doesn't get you, but, really, now you're getting into a whole other level of stupid, a far deeper stupid, Gary V. stupid, Gruner Veltliner stupid--hey, ever notice I gave them the same initials? after all, they're both tasteless and a waste of time--even Sarah Palin stupid. Yes, they're all dead and I'm here to tell you that you don't need to worry about them, they're all fine Couldn't you have come as Sasha Grey or Sasheen Littlefeather or Little Richard? Ernest Gallo is funnier OK, thanks, I'm glad to hear John is OK. He just died last Thursday. It's good to hear he's fine, and Mom and Josie. And Lucy Lucy always dig holes everywhere? She got it from me Figures OK, can I go back to sleep now? I'm here, talking directly to you, you can ask me anything you want to know, and you just want to go back to bangin' Oprah? She's the queen of daytime television Fine. I'm outta here No, wait, maybe I do have some questions for you Shoot What do you think about wine blogging? Oy. OK, between you and me, I'm thinking of putting a stop to it Really? Why? Listen, wine is one of my favorite things--fucking Oprah--I mean wine is something I truly love, one of my most inspired creations. It's ingenious! And I give it to you bozos and you ruin it with all your talk, all your endless and uninspired chatter. You all think you discovered the truth about wine! Wine has been around for thousands of years, hell, I taught my stupid Son to make it, though he added too much water, a lot like those extracted Pinot Noirs they're making in California now that Robert Parker loves--by the way, have you seen him? I know he's dead, but I haven't seen him. I think he may have gone to Hell, which is basically right around Yountville--anyway, your stupid wine blogs preach about wine, "educate" people about wine, follow you on your idiotic "journeys" to discover wine and basically ruin the whole Gallodam thing for everyone. I'm so sick of it lately I just might get rid of wine altogether, you know, do my usual plague thing. Do you think locusts are too, well, Biblical? I'd say jejune Yeah. That's why the moths and the sharpshooters and the root lice--Man, I love a good pestilence But we love wine. We really love wine Then shut up about it But half the fun is talking about it, showing how much we know, bragging about which wines we've tasted, blowing it up into something critically important in order to make ourselves feel better about having wasted our lives learning about it Yeah, I know, my bad. I never should have let it go this far. But you kids were having so much fun, I just couldn't find it in my heart to stop it. But this blogging thing, it's annoying. I mean, have you read them? I'm talking about the most popular ones. Have you read them? They're garbage Hell is right near Yountville? Well, there's Hell and then there's Hell. Yountville is right near Wine Hell. Where I send fools to spend their eternal lives in nightmarish tasting rooms, and other fools to spend eternity building shrines to themselves. It's a hobby, but I enjoy it. But we were talking about blogs Why pick on blogs? What about all the other wine publications? Oh, they're doomed, trust me. I didn't stock 'em with halfwits for nothing. Does anyone actually read that crap? No, they just scan the numbers. Numbers! I didn't give you numbers to use them to score wine! No, I gave numbers to you so you can calculate batting averages, compare penis sizes, write 'em on bathroom walls. Not attach them to wines. Unbelievable But I like some wine blogs But you're an idiot Hey, I didn't ask you to come here Yeah, you're right. Never mind. Anything else you want to know? I don't know. I've always wanted to know if there's baseball in the afterlife Well, OK, I can answer that. I've got some good news and some bad news OK The good news is, Yes, there absolutely is baseball in the afterlife The bad news? You're pitching on Thursday
For Dr. John Peters (1935-2010), a great and interesting man.
After 19 years as a Sommelier in Los Angeles, twice named Sommelier of the Year by the Southern California Restaurant Writers' Association, I moved to Sonoma County to explore the other aspects of the wine business. I've spent, OK wasted, 35 years learning about and teaching about and swallowing wine. I am also a judge at the Sonoma Harvest Fair, San Francisco Chronicle Wine Competition and the San Francisco International Wine Competition--so I can spit like a rabid llama. I know more about wine than David Sedaris and I'm funnier than James Laube. Stay tuned for an informed but jaded view of everything wine and everything else.
I'm living proof that alcohol kills brain cells.
What the Critics Are Saying About HoseMaster of Wine
"If you want a great hoot and howl moment or two...go read the HoseMaster's year-end reflections...that guy is without a doubt the funniest SOB in the blog-world...and thank him for having the brains and balls to target his laser of laughter on anybody...HoseMaster for President...HoseMaster for Blogger of the Year...although he would be the first to say the bar is so damn low for that award, he should win it every year..." --Robert Parker
"No one is immune from California sommelier and wine judge Ron Washam's skewering. He polishes that skewer with boundless enthusiasm and acuity."
"Washam uses his own blog, HoseMaster of Wine, to skewer the industry in general and wine blogs in particular. If your mouse scoots to your browser's close box while reading a wine blog, Washam may be the blogger for you."
--San Francisco Chronicle
"...that guy Hosemaster has real talent...if you ask me sign him up for Comedy Central...he's the funniest guy since Adam Carolla's hilarious book...IN 50 YEARS WE WILL ALL BE CHICKS..."
"Ron Washam, former sommelier, is easily the most bitingly funny blogger/wine writer that we have ever come across. He is an equal opportunity crusader who pillories big wineries and amateur bloggers alike, as well as everything and everyone in between...One needs a sense of humor and a tolerance for earthiness to enjoy reading The Hosemaster. We must have both because this guy deserves a wider audience, in our humble opinion." --Connoisseurs' Guide to California Wine
"In my opinion, and that of many others, his blog is one of the best. And in terms of satirical or parodic wine blogs, it has no peer. Ron’s alert eye catches every pretense and skewers it with laugh out loud mercilessness."
"This site should carry a warning label. It's sort of a Dave Barry/George Carlin approach to wine. The Hosemaster (real name Ron Washam) skewers fellow bloggers and industry savants with glee, while offering hilarious wine guides such as his Honest Guide to Grapes..."
--Paul Gregutt, Seattle Times
"Washam is a skilled wine judge (I have judged with him) who is willing to judge wine double blind, in public. To my knowledge, Parker does not do this and never has. So Ron's credentials are in place, and so is his sense of the absurd."
--Dan Berger, VintageExperiences
"...I consider Ron a very talented writer and I’ve long been an admirer of his scathing wit..."
"And if any free sites think they can conquer the world, there’s always the Hosemaster to take ‘em down a notch."
--Tyler Colman "Dr. Vino"
"Those of you who know Ron either love or hate him, because he throws jabs like a punch drunk boxer, and we’re all in the firing line. He’ll throw them if he hates you, and he’ll throw them if he loves you. He’s a satirist of exceptional quality."
--Jo Diaz "Juicy Tales by Jo Diaz"
"I must say you are an idiot. I've never liked you. I have no idea why people find you funny."